Verbal Abuse?

Perhaps, I was very stressed out. I became impatient. I was intolerant of differences. I was not peaceful. I was not able to live up to my principle that “Self-control is power.”

Wednesday, February 1:

I cannot help it. My class composed of freshmen who flunked a refresher English course last semester has not yet significantly improved even if the midterm exam is in the offing. After a series of diagnostic tests, I can conclude that their problem is not really on grammar but on their attitude towards learning.

Two meetings ago, I asked them to memorize a two-minute speech using adjectives to describe certain situations that I provided. Since there is sufficient time to prepare, I got disappointed when on the date of performance some were just doing their speeches when I entered the classroom. One even complained that she did not know there was an assignment because she was absent. I replied that it is her duty to ask her classmates what happened during the meeting she was absent. I also told her that even if that was impossible, she could simply refer to her syllabus because I already enumerated all activities for each meeting.

I saw her bit her teeth and based on her facial expressions, she was trying to suppress her pangs of anger as if she did not have any shortcomings at all. I saw her hardened jaw and sharp eyes. Worst of all, she retorted my every statement. Context: The classroom had the sound of a market where everyone seemed to have a business transaction. This added to my growing irritation.

“I am the teacher,” I told myself and I must reassert this role. I felt the need to cut that argumentation. So I shouted “QUUUIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEETTTTT! There was complete silence. I rose from my seat and stood in front of the class. I could not vividly remember my speech but its thrust:

“This is the worst class I ever had. Now I am not surprised why you flunked this subject last semester. As I have told you, attitude is the problem. What else do you want me to do? You can complain if the assignment was given just last meeting and you had very limited time to prepare. One of you even had the guts to complain.” (I wanted to single her out even further but that would be traumatic and too personal so I discontinued. I gave generalized comments.)

I looked at everyone and all of them were silent. Some tilted their heads down. “You have the duty to work as students. This is not like high school where most lectures are spoon-fed. Your attendance in my class does not guarantee a passing grade. You have to work.”

I told them that I am really very tired of them. I wanted to insult them but I could not have the heart to do it. I dismissed the class 30 minutes before the time but I could not end it without giving hopes that I have forgiven them. So I gave additional requirements. And I asked them if everything was understood. I heard a “YES.” A not-so sincere yes actually. The class was apathetic and it was pointless to exhaust more energy.

On the next meeting, I became a mechanical teacher. I just graded them and did not comment anymore. As expected some prepared, some were mediocre.

Honestly, I feel so bad about this class as a teacher. I cannot just come to school and not be emotionally involved. I think I have failed as a teacher.

I will give my conclusion after the end of this semester. I hope there will be a significant difference in their performance after berating them. Perhaps, I also need to lower my expectations. My students may have a different definition of growth in class…