The Self
I'm supposed to be at the FEU Auditorium this afternoon for the Educational Foundation Awards. But I preferred to stay at home and laze around, not because Idislike the award but because I am tired (physically, that is). The recognition is important but my body is uncooperative these days. It all started before Christmas 2008. My bestfriend even joked another close friend, that he should return from Singapore before my last breath. I hope not just yet.
This is not my swansong blog nor a suicide note. I am not terminally ill. I do not have a suicidal tendency either. I just observed I am not as talkative as before. It is a sign of growing up, boredom, and probably disappointment. I will get by. I just need to reserve my energy for something "grand", a "turning point" if you will.
My Chinese horoscope for the year 2009 predicts that I will not be lucky this year. I do not completely believe this but it is a good reason to be more cautious this year, to reflect, and to find out further what truly makes me happy.
There are things I want to do but there are opposing circumstances (by chance or intention). I remember one good friend Iyan Adewuya who once told me, "You do not always get what you want." Now I fully understand. Even the best of intentions are insufficient to pave the way for what you desire especially if some stakeholders refuse to take the risks with you.
The effect: You "breathe in" for survival but you do not "breathe out" an enthusiastic spirit. You stick around but your mind darts toward a motley of directions and possibilities. You find the rocking chair more enjoyable than a joy ride en route the best place there is.
This does not necessarily downplay performance. I cannot afford to sacrifice the trust and expectation of several people whom I trust as well. I will finish (with all my best) my commitments. I can still be relied upon when it comes to professional work.
But I hope people close to me will get to understand that strong as I am, I have fears and frustrations. In the event I cannot be my public self or what they want me to be, it is either I have reached my threshold or I have decided to move on (alone).
My private victory is more important than my public victory. The Self must find its greater essence and better "condition" before it can connect or reconnect with other self-reflexive beings. I hope they understand. I am sorry for those who cannot.
This is not my swansong blog nor a suicide note. I am not terminally ill. I do not have a suicidal tendency either. I just observed I am not as talkative as before. It is a sign of growing up, boredom, and probably disappointment. I will get by. I just need to reserve my energy for something "grand", a "turning point" if you will.
My Chinese horoscope for the year 2009 predicts that I will not be lucky this year. I do not completely believe this but it is a good reason to be more cautious this year, to reflect, and to find out further what truly makes me happy.
There are things I want to do but there are opposing circumstances (by chance or intention). I remember one good friend Iyan Adewuya who once told me, "You do not always get what you want." Now I fully understand. Even the best of intentions are insufficient to pave the way for what you desire especially if some stakeholders refuse to take the risks with you.
The effect: You "breathe in" for survival but you do not "breathe out" an enthusiastic spirit. You stick around but your mind darts toward a motley of directions and possibilities. You find the rocking chair more enjoyable than a joy ride en route the best place there is.
This does not necessarily downplay performance. I cannot afford to sacrifice the trust and expectation of several people whom I trust as well. I will finish (with all my best) my commitments. I can still be relied upon when it comes to professional work.
But I hope people close to me will get to understand that strong as I am, I have fears and frustrations. In the event I cannot be my public self or what they want me to be, it is either I have reached my threshold or I have decided to move on (alone).
My private victory is more important than my public victory. The Self must find its greater essence and better "condition" before it can connect or reconnect with other self-reflexive beings. I hope they understand. I am sorry for those who cannot.
posted by JOEVEN at 9:43 PM
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