The crying groom; the martyr girlfriend

THIS IS A STORY about two individuals with two interesting love anecdotes. The first one just got married at Sanctuario de Antonio in Makati and the other one just broke up with her “boyfriend”.

I witnessed the expressions of love and I cannot help but share them with readers of my blog. I believe that the lessons are insightful for someone who enjoys scrutiny of gender politics like me, for those facing the same situation, and for anyone who believes in love despite its paradoxes.

Their names are withheld for privacy.

The first half of the title is “The crying groom” because it was the first time of my life to see that the groom was more emotional than the bride. He was so emotional that it almost crossed the borders of light comedy.

He walked confidently and looked gallantly in his tuxedo as his parents accompanied him to the altar. The wedding coordinator was walking briskly from front to back just to ensure the smooth run of the processional. The crowd was excited to see the entry of the bride—who was expected to exude beauty and elegance—for being the central character of the entourage that looked so expensive in their brown and rusted orange motif.

The violin’s melody lorded over the airwaves. Everyone panned his or her head to see the entrance of the bride. She was statuesque in her gown and there was a sparkle in her face. Her mom and brother locked their arms with her. When she reached the altar, she kissed her mom and mom-in-law. The groom did the same: he kissed his mom-in-law and embraced his bro-in-law as if they are best of friends. There and then I noticed that the groom was already teary-eyed.

One part of the wedding ceremonies was a brief speech. The officiating priest asked the couple to express a verbal vow aside from the usual, “Take this as a sign of my love and loyalty” or the very succinct but loaded “I do.” The bride started it. Paraphrasing it, she said that she would always be there for him. She was calm and smiling, her face aglow with happiness. When it was the groom’s turn, he was saying, “I promise to take care of…” when he became less intelligible. He was muttering his vow as tears welled from his eyes. The bride was smiling, more of an expression of disbelief that her husband is more emotional. She wiped his tears as if she assured him that the feeling is mutual and everything is fine. Then they embraced each other.

Climax of the ceremony: The newly wed couple kissed and then they tightly embraced. The intensity of emotions was undoubtedly euphoric.

A week before the wedding, I had a chat with the groom when he handed me down the invitation. I asked him, “Why are you getting married?” He said jokingly, “She insistently courted me,” as if it was the bride who initiated it all.

I understand that a wedding is usually construed as more important for the bride, more of her celebration. You will usually notice that she is usually more excited and busier than the groom. The camera zooms in on: Her gown, pair of shoes, bouquet, etc. The groom does not receive the same camera treatment, angle, or exposure.

Of course weddings are mutually beneficial for both parties. I do not have qualms about that. But when the groom cried, to a certain extent, he reversed the dichotomy of Deborah Tannen’s genderlect that a woman seeks connection while a man seeks authority. I am happy about this “role reversal” or better yet, “overlapping roles”.

When a man has a higher degree of love for a woman or exerts more effort to keep the family beyond the required mutual love and concern, I believe that the relationship will turn stronger. Connection is second nature to women; by hook or by crook, a traditional woman will do her best to preserve the family. Thus, the newly wed couple is off to a stronger family since the groom manifested a deeper sense of responsibility by exhibiting a more intense emotion that is opposite the socialized behavior of traditional men. In essence, he provides a better part of the equation since he is in synch with the bride’s traditional nurturing role.

May their love continue to grow given the fact that it is already anchored on a strong foundation. This I will observe with utmost optimism.

* * * * * * * * * * *

THIS IS LONG OVERDUE. Maybe, this is now moot and academic. But I am still posting it because this blog is a requested analysis of the situation. I hope it can help those who are into the same dilemma.

The girl cannot get over it. She received a text message from an unknown woman who told her to leave her husband alone. She was dumbfounded. She regained her composure and replied, “Don’t worry, I am a decent girl. I did not know anything about it. He is all yours.” Then she cried a river.

The relationship started serendipitously. It was romance at the right time, at the right place. (I cannot detail it to keep the identity of the concerned persons).

The guy is sweet and a gentleman who visited her at home as a sign of high respect to her parents. His presence can command authority. He has a good posture and a friendly smile. He looks timid but deep inside is a volcano of mystery. He seems to have an inherent “gallantry” because of his profession, a surefire magnet of women.

The girl is lovable, sweet, very understanding, very loyal, and family-oriented. She has a strong personality and thinks with substance and élan. But when she falls in love she clings to it and has difficulty moving on.

As far as I know, they only had a mutual understanding; almost there but not quite. This is because the guy’s mission demands much of his time. What only keeps them together is through mediated communication and the ideals that “absence makes love grow fonder” and “love is patient; it has sacrifices.”

Quality of sacrifice

However, the quality of sacrifice and the circumstances that embed the dynamics of their relationship lay the root of the problem. My insights, of course, are based on what was revealed to me.

I have always told the girl that a man who truly loves his partner would not frequently test her loyalty because this breeds insecurity and distrust. Taking the man’s perspective, however, it is in casting doubt that a man can affirm, reaffirm or disconfirm the emotional attachment. Since their connection is through SMS and phone calls where facial expressions that better mirror sincerity are absent, then the guy, by his own definition, has rationale for his actions.

The goal of confirming the degree of love is understandable. But the means to this end, in my opinion, is torture. To fabricate facts that he (the guy lover) is married just to assess the girl’s reaction is too much (assuming that the retraction of the news about marriage is really fictitious). It caused emotional pain on the part of the girl who thought that all along she was cheated and she could have mislabeled herself as an unknowing mistress.

Analysis based on sheer logic dictates that the guy has a quirk that is quite difficult to fathom even in the context of a catch-chase relationship. It is a clear example of a romanticized psychological warfare that can cause nervous breakdown for a very neophyte apprentice of love like the girl.

Effects on others

I think both have already reaffirmed their love. The softened voice during phone conversations is searing in romance like a teenager who whispers “I love you” while in the seated on the sofa beside her parents who are not yet prepared to see her falling in love at a young age. But the sweetness takes an overturn when the soft voice suddenly increases in pace and volume plus the sudden rush to a secluded area just so the girl’s friends would not hear the heated conversation.

While love is bittersweet, it is confusing for the girl’s friends to see her in silent pain. When the girl calls you up and bursts with tears because of him, a conscientious friend could not say “no” even if the friend already said his piece about the relationship. It is difficult to advise someone who is still engulfed by the mystery of love. But what she should realize is while love involves risks, the calculation should be more careful and be made earlier before the dawn of any irreparable damage – emotionally and psychologically. Because if this happens caring friends share with the burden. However, I hope the girl does not feel offended the moment the friends keep mum about her complaints because it is not unlikely for her to receive this retort: “I told you, you did not listen.”

Expected maturity

The lovers are already in their mid-20s and I think they are no longer young to play the catch-chase setup. Clarification: I am not The Grinch or even Ebenezer Scrooge of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol who abhors the thrills of Christmas or maybe even the colors of love. But come on, this age bracket I think should already be off the catch-chase relationship. I agree this is purely a mental analysis (assuming the heart can analyze too) but when the heart refuses to see the other side of the coin, the mental analysis might be able to shed light on the conflict.

Maturity, in this sense, refers to the ability to delineate what is tolerable versus what is already too much. Yes, forgiving his shortcomings is the springboard of a deeper understanding. But wait. Even forgiveness can be abused especially with a sugarcoated tongue. As my favorite author Ayn Rand said, “Martyrdom is toleration of your adversary. They are not enemies but the act of the guy is villainous; the girl is a willing victim. The girl should therefore realize when to say enough is enough. But then again, at the end of the day, advices are just advices. The decision is still the girl’s. I fully understand where the girl is coming from. There is a social exchange value in the relationship. Painful and uncertain it may be, to some extent, she gains the feeling of being appreciated and she experiences the magic of love that seldom cascades into our lives.

Epilogue?

For now, the gush of emotions is unstoppable. But on a final note, maybe it pays to recall Dory in Finding Nemo: “…Follow your heart wherever it leads you and when you reach a dead end or whenever you are lost, use your brain to bring you back home.”

Your friends will wait for you as you float in the clouds but neither lose your wings nor feet while you are up. Because you need these on your way down.